Well within us

A brief teleological exposé, if you will.

I’m writing this for my friends and myself. It is fought for and hard. But, it’s good. Take heart, friend. 

Two points here toward the tension I personally feel and bodily carry. Echoed in conversations of shared reality with friends, family, and colleagues. Present in the eyes of strangers. What we forget to remember, and community must believe for/with us. This is truth that is wrestled within and fought for. Not easy to believe, it is just vital. To our hearts, our minds, our souls, our livelihoods, everything we hope is alive and well within us. 

One

It is like I cannot be patient with the pace of my own life because of what I know about everyone else’s. (What is the actual extent to which I “know” their life? Great question.) I can see what is out there (through a lens, of course) and I want it. 

The great mountains and plains of Western America, the strong sense of community and shared meals in European countries, the sun glittering on ocean waves, refreshing drinks in hand with good company, the satisfaction of a job well done, a smile on your child’s face, the love of someone you love, adventure or security, diving in or laying low. Whatever pulls you. Whatever gets that constant feeling of “I want to be there, I want that.” 

These things do pull us. Sometimes so much so that they rip and tear us up. We have all spent time in this tension. There’s always a catch, isn’t there? Something that keeps us bleeding. 

Want some real self care? Quit wanting what you do not have, and start working to create it — step by step, slowly and intentionally. 

Ouch. 

But, makes sense. 

I have recently understood something I did not notice before about growth. Growth — the resolve for the other side. If you want to grow, there has to be a belief that it is worth the cost. The other side of growth. It must be good. It must lead to beauty and fulfillment. Eyes to see past the situation, wisdom that acknowledges what is deeper and greater. 

Throughout my adult life, I have consciously made decisions to choose the harder option that leads to more growth. It has proven to be exactly that, hard. But, the more you do it the easier the next yes becomes. Still hard. Yet, the majority of what is gained through growth is not something visible, it is lived and learned. It is embodied and it changes you. 

It seems that a large part of wisdom is embodied knowledge — learning that informs how you live. To actually wake up, pick up all your stuff and follow. To all of my Proverbs people out there, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of ______. (Wisdom.) The more we choose growth, the more our eyes are opened to see what is good, what is beautiful, what is worthy. 

The amount of knowledge you have is not what makes you mature. Maturity is measured by your willingness to grow — to face hard things and come out better. You become better for everyone around you and everything within you. 

“An adventure is a journey without a known outcome.”

Jon Tyson

Most people, myself included, would not consider growth to be an adventure (it sort of lacks an amount of initial luster). Yet. Maybe God actually knows what He is doing, and we can trust Him? Even with our growth, the slow and intentional? 

Two

We do exercise agency in our decisions and actions, but we cannot self-actualize ourselves. Ironic? Little bit. 

Example: it will not take much looking to find books and resources about what you can do to be a better _______. Think better. Exercise better. Eat better. Love better. Perform better. Lead better. Have your efforts succeed by doing this number of things. Work smarter not harder.

Is this wrong? Most of the time, no. We do have the ability to make choices and those choices have consequences that affect us and others — for better or worse. Some things are incredibly helpful! We can step away from destructive habits or patterns by becoming aware of how to choose restoration and renewal. Sometimes we need help knowing where the light switch is, and that’s okay. In fact, it seems to be the most common human thing ever. 

However, I continually find myself confessing and believing that I am never doing enough. Never enough. Just learn more and be better. Be better to get what you want. What you want is not bad so try harder to make it happen. Make your life happen. When this is what I am after, it is true that I am never doing or being enough. 

Um. Hold up. I did not even make my life happen in the first place? Why am I all of the sudden responsible for doing this now? (I am someone who feels a strong, perpetual sense of responsibility — so, fill in the gaps and the blanks with whatever is a driving force inside of you.) 

Maybe I was not actually ever meant to be enough? 

*light switch on*

I keep trying to be though. Even with my best attempts, it still never gives the feeling I actually want. This is where the pattern normally stops and hits replay. But, it does not have to stop here with Jesus. 

I have recently come to the very real-i-zation that if I choose to confess and believe in Jesus as the Son of God who is Savior and Lord of my life, with the Holy Spirit as the teacher and guide into all truth — well. Then I have to actually believe that this life really belongs to God’s story and I am just a participant that can choose to be willing, to lean in and persevere or not. 

Let me re-phrase. I get to actually believe that this life really is God’s greater story and I am just a participant that can choose to be willing, to lean in and persevere. 

I cannot self-actualize myself because the good life is not actually about me. Maybe this life is a continual finding, sharing and searching for the beauty and glory of God. His beauty and glory is enough and it is pervasive enough to be present here, not just in what comes next. 

The burden is light because it is shared. Each of us aches for wholeness, we search for it in everything and everyone around us. It is what everything is groaning for. Go figure Shalom is the promise of the Gospel. It’s like we were made for it. 

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So, what now?

Look, I don’t know man. You know your thoughts, you know what holds you back and what pushes you forward. All I would suggest for you is not to try to do it alone anymore. It actually is a big sense of relief to not carry the weight of your entire life. God is here to invite you into the greater story that you are already meant to be a part of. Take a few focused minutes to think about that. Maybe thank Him for it. Maybe ask for help. Maybe ask your community to remind you and believe this for you when you don’t. Seek and search in the right places. 

Is there a well within you?